The only person I can talk to isn't even a person. It's you, stupid computer.

I have no friends and it's all my fault.

I want to go away, but if I did it wouldn't be any better anywhere else.

Everyone else is living their lives and having fun with other people.

You think you're alone? Live a week in my shoes.

It's all my fault.

I have no excuse.

That is why I need to vent to you, stupid computer. I have no one else. I can't talk to anyone because I tried that a few times and the results were devastating. I'm not good at being here.

Alas, I'm poor Yorick...I wish...

What the fu@k?!

Why do stupid boys keep making me feel stupid. Is it contagious?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I hate my life.

i will find a way to end it all.
wish i wasn't such a chicken shit.

So I'm pretty excited about my new necklace.

Tuesday I spent the day with mom in Manhattan. Had breakfast at Petrossian and as usual were the only two Americans. (I enjoyed it so very much. damn, I'm pretentious) We moved on to the Historical Society where we met up with a teacher from my school, her two year old son and her mother. We spent two and a half hours looking at two floors in the museum. It was awesome.

All good museum trips end in the gift shop. Sorry, it's true. Three of us were teachers and marveled at all the goodies the store had to offer. I wasn't going to buy anything, and then I saw it. In the case behind the counter there were Scrabble tiles made into charms. Slightly smaller than real tiles, they were...cool. I never said I was cool so I guess my perspective is wack, but whatever...they were cool.

After much deliberation with myself, I decided I had to.

So I'm pretty excited about my new necklace. Mom gave me a leather band/chain necklace/but leather and I'm stoked.

I didn't even need to think about which letter to choose...I'm Miss D.

I'm so super cool.

i 'burned my arm' real bad.
not bad enough.
gonna bowl sunday with my cuz.
it won't lead to anything.
nothing positive.
i hate me.

haven't really talked to anyone older than 13 and younger than 60 in seven months now.

how does one go about having friends?

where can I find friends?

this teaching gig seems to be my thing, i mean i'm good at it.

let me just get past the next few years alive...maybe then I'll meet people. if i don't make it...at least i'll be at peace.

the last time I wrote anything was four weeks ago?

holy macaroni!


looking back, I guess I don't have many positive things to say. but no one has ever been inspired to write anything worth writing when life was good. right?

writing when everything's ok seems kinda pointless. all I know is that no one ever created anything worthwhile when they were happy.

well, it makes me feel a little better.

Last week I finally got sick. I suppose it was inevitable. Stayed home from work Thursday to heal myself. I was planning to go to work on Friday, even though I still felt crappy. Woke up. Showered. Dressed. Got to my car and it wouldn't start. I took it as a sign that I was supposed to stay home another day and did just that. Ended up I needed a new battery. Either way, I stayed home, rested, and did more of the 'pinemelon' jigsaw puzzle Kevin put out.

Saturday, it was Dorney Christmas. I got to see relatives I hadn't seen in over ten years. It was a good time. As with all Dorney gatherings there were many drinks to be had. I drank. I played with my third cousins' kids. So my fourth cousins? I don't know the labels, but we're related. Played guitar hero on the wii with a seventh grader while three year old Bubba looked on. It was a really good time.

Yesterday I finished watching the entire series of Freaks and Geeks. I don't want it to be over! What an amazing show!

Today I went home to have a good meal to celebrate my father's birthday. We went to Abel Conklin's. I love steak.

Found out that the new movie 'Adventureland' is actually based on the Adventureland and now am sooo excited. Martin Starr's in it too, just when you thought the movie couldn't get any better! All I know is that when I see the movie, if I hear "Chainsaws...I don't like chainsaws...I once had a close shave with one..." I will lose it. Can't wait.

Back to work tomorrow and suppose I can't complain, what with it being a four day week and all.

Tomorrow will be historic and am looking forward to watching the Inauguration with my kids. I am excited for the country, and for the world on some level. I think it'll be one of those 'where were you moments' in life. My parents generation seems to all know where they were when JFK was shot. I think this will become a bonding moment for our generation. Either way, it sure beats my generation's current remembrance. 'Where were you when you hear the OJ verdict?'

i've dreamed myself a thousand times around the world
but I can't get out of this place

there's an emptiness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in

and it breaks her heart

how she wishes it was different

though she swears he doesn't listen,
there's still a hope in her he might

though its red blood bleeding from her now
its more like cold blue ice in her heart

she feels like kicking out all the windows
and setting fire to this life

she could change everything about her
using colors bold and bright

but all the colors mix together, to grey

and it breaks her heart

I suppose I shouldn't, in good conscious, be writing an entry in my state of mind at the moment. Meh.

I'm sad. Surprise!

I freaked out and you, obviously, didn't care. Way to rise to the occasion. I'm disappointed. But, I suppose, I can't really blame you. You're a moron. Your life has been cake. You haven't had anything serious to deal with. I have no pity for you.

I have no pity for the fact that the later you learn about life, the harder it will be for you.


Talking to my cousin before reaffirmed my outlook on life.

Screw people who will not deal with what life is really about. I have no patience for stupid people...maybe that's why I have no friends.

Life should not be easy. Life is not easy. Grow a pair and deal with it rather than ignoring it.

Having said that, I realize that perhaps I am ignoring it. Perhaps I am too stubborn. Perhaps I can't deal with losing people so I just push them away. Meh.

Again, thanks for all the [good] times...but I guess it wasn't meant to be. I don't need people who ignore reality.

Reality sucks. The later you realize that, the worse it will be to cope with.

I miss those people I thought were my friends. No, wait. I miss the times where I thought I had friends. I now realize that I never did.

My mom told me that when I was little I kept saying that all I wanted was a best friend. I am not trying to be pathetic, I'm just relaying the facts. I keep looking for someone who cares...again, I have no patience for fair-weather-friends.

God, I'm alone.

*pick me up love, from the bottom. pay no mind to taunts or advances.
left to right
up and down, love

all you need is
want you want it
all you need is...


**honey, honey, come and dance with me...

Loser baby.

(not me...you)

Haven't written anything here in a while. Haven't had a reason to. Thought about it and decided that I shouldn't need a reason, posterity should be my reward. Riiiight.

My birthday came and went. I bought myself a NintendoDS to cheer me up. It did...a little.

So Merry New Year and all that nonsense. Spent a week and a half back home on Long Island and had a decent time. Mainly hung out with Missy who I will not see again until her year and a half of rotations are over. I can't wait until she's done and I can call her 'Doctor.'

New Year's Eve went to an early Islanders game and they actually won, I could barely believe it myself. Then spent New Year's at the Turner household. We didn't do anything too exciting, but it was one of the best New Year's I've had. Just lounged around, got wasted, watched the Dark Knight (no one believed me that I hadn't seen it...but I kept telling them, I didn't have any friends who would see it with me) and fell asleep on a tiny couch which has left my lower back in some significant pain. Got to see Tania and Doug. Besides hanging out with my kitty, that's pretty much my vacation. It was nice to not have to do anything for a week. I look forward to having another vacation again.

I have decided that I am not looking forward to spending the summer back home. Maybe I'll go visit Danielle for several weeks just to get away from there. I love my home. I love my parents. I do not like Suffolk County. C'est la vie.

I really like some of my students. This one kid started the school year in the third grade and quickly moved ahead into the fourth grade. I like this kid and I like his parents.

At lunchtime the other day he comes up to me and asks "Do you have change for a dollar?" I apologized and told him that I did not. He looks at me, quite seriously, grabs my left arm with both hands and says "But Obama said there would be change! Where's the change?!"*

Damn, that was clever. I like this kid.

*this was after the election

Don't know if I mentioned, but about a month ago a friend of mine took it upon themselves to call my parents and tell them that they thought I was going to 'do something drastic.'
You have no idea how often I hear from my parents now. I love them. I really do. But seriously, I have to grow up and it's hard to do that when your parents call you daily to 'say hello.' Argh.
So frustrating. I mean, why did you have to call my folks? Why couldn't you, I don't know, call me!?
Seriously, they're my parents...back off.
That was about a month ago...it feels good to share.

DID YOU KNOW: In Texas, it is illegal to graffiti someone else's cow.*

*a sixth grader read that and said "People graffiti cows?" to which I answered "um, obviously if they made a law about it, geez." and then proceeded to roll my eyes with much exaggeration. Sarcasm is just a part of who I am. Kids like real people. I'm real. Real sarcastic.
They laughed. I then reminded them that I never put anything but the truth on my blackboard.

I don't.

I am going to be the best teacher ever.

One month from today I will be 30 years old. Meh.

You gotta love Dr. Dre.

From his infinite wisdom..

Fuck y'all
All y'all
If you don't like me,
Blow me.

You just can't argue with logic that sound.

It's possible I may be coming down with a cold. I am still surprised that it didn't happen sooner. I'm doing the Neti pot constantly, taking vitamins, and drinking lots of Emergen-C. I hope it helps.
Mom and dad said that whenever they were sick, a bit of beef broth from Brennan and Carr's always helped. I had two periods off so I drove over to Brennan and Carr's and got myself a roast beef sandwich and a cup of broth. Holy crap! I know it's just broth, but this may be the best soup I have ever had in my entire life. Hopefully it will help me prevent a full on cold, but at least I had a delicious lunch.
I'm obsessed with Brennan and Carr's. Seriously, best roast beef sandwiches ever and the beef broth...DELISH!

This job is great, but I can't wait for my first years to be over. In two or three years when I really have this teaching stuff down...it's gonna be awesome. I really like teaching children. I love history. I have always loved trying to imagine what life was like in the past.

When the inevitable question of "If you could have one superpower, what would it be?" was asked, I always said I wanted the power of time travel. I understood that I shouldn't be able to interact with people, I think the 'butterfly effect' is possible. I just wanted to be able to see how daily people lived their lives. How did the early colonists really live? What was it like for people in ancient Roman times on a daily basis? I don't know. The idea just always fascinated me.

Now, I think I may have found a way to share that passion. It's going to take time. (Hence the second sentence in this entry) Friday I had a lesson that showed me just how awesome this job will be...

My fourth grade class is a handful. Not only was I NOT prepared for 8 and 9 year olds, this class is especially rambunctious. The class is moving on to the American Revolution tomorrow, so Friday I did an activity that was great.

Each student got ten 'tokens.' I wanted to use candy, but then decided that they would eat them all. So, tokens in hand, I told the kids that we were playing a game and at the end, the person who had the most tokens would receive a 'free homework pass.' (Next time I'll have something like a pencil or something, but I'm learning) I asked for three volunteers to stand up in front of the classroom. One student represented the King of England, one was Parliament and one student played the role of tax collector. Hehe.
I told the seated students that the tax collector was going to now collect taxes on certain things.

-Anyone wearing a white shirt - 1 token (they're all wearing white shirts, it's their uniform)
-Anyone wearing plaid - 2 tokens (see above)
-Anyone with a textbook - 3 tokens (again)
-Anyone wearing black shoes - 3 tokens (get it?)

It was hilarious. All the students were yelling each time the tax collector came around to collect his taxes. They were really attached to those tokens. They didn't want to give any up. I'm really glad I didn't use candy...by the end, the tax collector had almost 100 tickets.
Each student only had one left. Hehe.

I told them that the tax collector would now receive 10% of what he held. They figured out the math and he had 10. The students, each with one left, were furious. I then told them that Parliament would get 40% of what was left and the student who represented Parliament sat back down with 40 tokens. Finally, the King got the remaining 50 tokens.

The response was great! First of all, they complained that Parliament and the King didn't even do anything, they were just standing in the front of the room. Then, the tax collector basically said the job sucks (not in those exact words) and it wasn't worth all the torture of trying to get everyone to 'pay up.' I then explained to everyone that was how the colonists might have felt right before the American Revolution. Awesome.
I wanted the students to understand how the colonists felt about taxes from England. Their homework is to write a paragraph on how they think the colonists felt. I can't wait to read some of them.

All these great things are going to come in time, I can't wait to have more experiences like the one I had on Friday. It was so much fun and maybe some students actually learned something!

I went home Friday night to see my folks and the kitties. I had a real nice weekend. Went home, took a bath. Slept like a rock Friday night, there really is something about your own bed at home that is so comforting. Saturday went out to breakfast with mom and dad and got a new pair of winter boots. Went home and took a nap with my kitty (she is so warm!). Mom and dad went to a wedding and I went to Tania and Ria's house for a Halloween party. Costumes were required so I went as the Wicked Witch of the East. Easy, simple costume. Black dress, black and white striped stockings and red shoes. Along with the witch hat mom gave me at least it looked like I planned something.
The party was a lot of fun, good times had by all. It was a good crowd. There was a girl there I hadn't met before who was dressed like Dorothy. I introduced myself to her by saying "You're the bitch who stole my shoes!" She was very cool and thought it was funny. I then proceeded to talk with her and her boyfriend about the 'Dark Side of Oz' which neither of them had ever seen. Her boyfriend seemed really excited about checking it out. I felt like I contributed something to their lives last night.
I had a really nice, relaxing, rejuvenating weekend.
Can't wait for Thanksgiving, but in the meantime I got plenty of work to do!

I woke up the other day and the idea for this just came to me. I'm not that patriotic, but with the kids writing their "I am the President of the United States" entry, I thought it would make a good background.
Note the accuracy...13 stripes and 50 stars (it was a slight pain in my ass to cut them all out, but I'm proud of the final product)